Schadenfreude... the Pleasure of Misfortune

Schadenfreude... the Pleasure of Misfortune

/ˈSHädənˌfroidə/

I discovered the word schadenfreude, a noun meaning pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune.  I smiled at finding a word that exactly described my mother's general and parental attitude which had been difficult to explain to people.  An example of schadenfreude is your response if you see someone cruelly kick a dog and they badly stub their toes.  Most people will be angry that the person kicked the dog, but might smile at the inflictor's pain. That kind of smile and attitude, of "good, they deserved that... instant karma," is an example of mild schadenfreude. 
Some people might ask the kicker if they are alright, but the concern is usually not completely genuine.  Anyone who observes your smile understands your true feelings, because the smile is not a smile of heartfelt regard.  Children, of parents with the trait of schadenfreude, also understand the parent's smiles and true feelings.    

 

Although normal people may exhibit schadenfreude depending on the circumstance, my mother, quite possibly a psychopath, or simply mentally unstable or ill, exhibited it consistently. 

 

One major difference between "normal" people and my mother is that although normal people may have witnessed something that brought about rightful misfortune to others and a sense of schadenfreude, my mother would sometimes deliberately do something to cause misfortune to others and revel in the adversity. For instance, the neighbor's little dog squeezed through the fence into our backyard.  Over years, she had refused to let me have a dog, but kept the little dog, lying to the neighbors that she hadn't seen the dog, all the while knowing how much they loved their dog. She smugly gloated and smiled with schadenfreude when they asked her if she had seen their dog. Eventually she was caught with the dog, but blatantly stuck to lies and did not apologize. Other than the neighbors knowing what a piece of work she was, she faced no repercussions. She knew she had gotten away with the vile act and never changed her heart.

 

 

Children take their cues on how to react situations by how other people react.  Small children toddle and inevitably fall while learning to stand and walk.  Good parents often naturally smile or laugh, help them or let them regain their feet, and let them try again.  The child learns it is okay to fall, because they can simply try again.  If the child is hurt, a loving parent might still smile with empathy, but gently wipes the tears, comforts until the pain is past or mostly past, and then sends the child on their way.  The child learns comfort exists in the parents, that pain will pass, and they can try again.  In the few photos of me as a baby and child, it was apparent that my father was the loving parent.  I recall him smiling as he taught us the things little kids need to master. Our mother was the opposite.

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My mother embraced schadenfreude.  She would smile and laugh when I would fall, but there was no comfort or genuine encouragement, unless someone was watching.  The comfort was for show.  I knew, but hoped the comfort was real.  She took pleasure in seeing me or my siblings physically or emotionally hurt.  Her smirking expression, riddled with schadenfreude, hid the self-serving gratification of a resentful parent.  She secretly, or not so secretly, never wanted children, especially me, as she would say as she talked to herself.  Ultimately I ended with permanent physical injuries that continue to plague me after decades.

I write this so you can recognize schadenfreude, which can progress to bullying. When someone has a misfortune, such as they do an embarrassing splat fall, drop things, get food on themselves, it is okay to laugh, but only if immediately followed by helping them with genuine help, care, and words of comfort.  Incident responses need to be practiced, so kids can retain a sense of humor and compassion.